DEEP THOUGHT BBS Presents
========================= Ralph, our BBS protagonist, again gets a
º Ralph and the Yuppies
wrong number and lands in a nest of deceit,
========================= greed and wearing apparel.
Polyester is an ancient fabric that was very hot and looked like junk. The
people who wore it did so because they thought it was cool. They were called
Yuppies and they became the polyester farmers. They raised herds of Dacrons,
Orlons, Nylons, Rayons and the occasional Nauga. They were at once brain
damaged and college educated. They thought they ruled the cosmos.
Then Ralph found them.
Yuppies are always trying to look cool, steal money and drive BMWs. They are
the afterbirth from World War II. They all claim to have been at Woodstock
but were actually busy joining the National Guard at the time. Or trying to
elect Richard Nixon.
Somewhere in here came Ralph. In a tardis. What the hell is a tardis, you
ask? A tardis is simply a time machine built to look like a red English
telephone booth. It requires exact change.
What is a Ralph, you ask? Ralph is a lizard. More precisely, Ralph is an
iguana. He has several unique features, not the least of which is the fact
that he can talk. Not much, but he does talk. He is also one with the
cosmos. He's cool. He was at Woodstock and knows the undead soul of Jim
Morrison. Do not confuse Ralph with his cousin Elmo. Elmo does beer com-
mercials, is not omnicient and has a lust thing going with Lollita's half-
sister. Ralph lusts only for a party and a good rock.
He does not like polyester.
Yuppies make him wretch with disgust. He dislikes, but is tolerant of most
other life forms, even hamsters. He prefers rocks...you know, the cool ones
that afford lots of that special shade. Oh yes. He only wears the latest in
fashion statements. Cotton Hawaiian baggy shorts and neon colored shades.
Like I said, he's cool.
Ralph, being kind of omnicient, occasionally has a bit of trouble with mundane
things like oversexed rodents, correct change and temporal/spatial navigation.
This makes him a bit of a terror when he's got a quarter in his tardis, but
when and wherever he arrives, theres always a party. You know, a REAL party,
with great nuclear music, superb babes, BUD Scheuplein and Bloose-juice.
Sorry for the sidetrack, but some background information was required. Now,
back to our regularly scheduled blasphemy.
Here we have Ralph, arriving on the scene of a semi-braindead Yuppie (they're
all that way from ingesting weird stuff when they were young), in his office
herding a new crop of plastic shirts to the bank...
SLAM! CRUNCH! A red object materializes in the office wall of Danny Q.,
senior partner of Phartz & Howe Attorney and Ambulance Co.
"Oh fudge." drifts from the wreckage hanging precariously from the wall. A
scaly hand reaches out, and suddenly, a rather large and loudly clothed Ralph
falls to the floor in a heap. Jennifer Anal-Aerobic, Danny's secretary, drops
her plastic yogurt and reaches for a Midol.
DQ steps out of his office to see what the noise is. "Oh icky-poo. A lizard
on the floor. Jenny, call maintenance. I simply can not deal with this."
Jenny is now completely meserized by Ralph, who has now taken off his shades.
Ralph calmly speaks to the secretary. "Tell bozo to give me a quarter."
Jennifer A-A swiftly opens her purse and dumps the contents in front of
Ralph, now sitting on the edge of her desk.
"Actually, I don't like taking cash from women, but if you insist..."
Ralph is, with the exception of his remarks, oblivious to the now panicking
DQ, who is flapping his arms and lisping.
Ralph digs a quarter out of the wreckage on the secretary's desk. He turns
to the now convulsing DQ, drops to the floor and slaps him in the face with
"It's the drugs, man. You're probably washed up as an ambulance driver. Get
into politics. Give your car to needy orphans."
DQ quickly passes out as if injected with a gob of thorazine. Ralph clicks
his tongue and heads back toward the tardis protruding innocently from the
"I want you. I want to come with you and have your babies."
Ralph stops and peers over his shades. "Yeah...right."
Jennifer is standing on her desk, completely naked, her plastic surgery scars
"Go to Des Moines and start a home for unwed rodents."
The naked secretary jumps to the floor, to her knees, supplicating. "I will
faithfully do as you command."
Ralph turns and climbs into the tardis. On a farm in Western Maryland, an
enormous fissure opens in the ground swallowing a barn, a farmhouse and
several surrounding acres. There is obviously no connection.
Ralph blithely drops the quarter into the slot, dials the number for the
White House and instantaneously appears in a suburb of St. Louis several years
later. He didn't arrive in a wall, probably due to the fact that he was no
longer in GTE territory. It was a religious event.
In the room where Ralph silently arrives, there is a computer with a female
at the keyboard. The settings in the tardis indicate December, 1989.
To be continued...
The Story of Ralph - Part 4