======================  Translated from the ancient stone inscriptions found
º The Story of Ralph º                   in a men's room in Needles, California.  The original
======================  tablets are on display somewhere near Wall, S.D.

In the beginning there was nothing.  And it was cool.

Then someone said, "Hey, Party!" and there was at once a great noise.  It was
also cool.

Someone else brought a camera with flash and there was light.  It was now
completely air-conditioned.

In the light there was a vast wasteland, and in this wasteland there were
countless rocks.  Underneath one of these rocks was an iguana, who was cool
because he was under the rock, but the whole thing was incredibly cool
because it was air conditioned so it really didn't matter.  Thence, upon
realizing this (iguanas are hip on coolness), the iguana climbed up to the
top of the rock, caught the light and put on his shades.  He grinned.  He was
a cool iguana with shades on a rock.  His name was Ralph.

We don't know who (or what) named him Ralph, it might even have been one of
those a priori things like matter that just pops up and stays there.  Anyway,
here's this cool iguana on this rock, and since it's the beginning and all,
he knows everything there is to know (which isn't very much, just a wasteland
full of iguanas and rocks (but there's a party somewhere)).

Ralph stays cool on his rock for eons and is really quite mellowed out by all
this knowingness.  And all this other stuff starts going on like civilization
and plant life and electronics and he still just stays there, an island of
sentience in a sea of stupidity er, well, actually it was sand and more rocks
(no doubt imported by party-crashers).  Nothing happens to Ralph and Ralph
happens to nothing in return.  Pure symbiosis.  It's cool.

Something happens to Ralph.  Yes, an upset in the delicate symbiotic balance
equalizing Ralph with the rest of the universe...a rend in the fabric of the
space-time continuum.  Her name is Lollita.  (Yeah, I know, two l's but I
didn't name her).

Lollita is a rodent.  There's no mistaking that.  She's also very aggressive.
There are myriads of other things that Lollita's into, but that's not for
this dissertation, it's for the back aisle of Dirty Lou's Bookstore and
Escort Service.  Lollita whistles by the iguana, intent on the party she
keeps perceiving on the edges of the universe.

Ralph peers over his shades.  "Slut" he murmurs.

Four new mountain ranges form instantaneously.  Huge cracks tear open the
ground.  Several choice rocks disappear, suddenly replaced by four-wheel
drive vehicles piloted by yuppies on LSD.

Lollita, startled by the comment uttered by the iguana (but naturally
oblivious to the surrounding chaos), does an about-face and shrilly strolls
back to Ralph, who is now laying back, idly flicking dead scales off his
peeling torso.

"Pardon me, sweetie, did you say something?"  Lollita straightens herself up
to her full 4.623 inch height, fists on her flaccid waist.

"I said 'Slut'", repeats Ralph.  "Not many hamsters with no fur on their
thighs, 'specially in these parts.  You must be from Iowa."

Lollita is now completely enthralled as the lizard removes his shades to show
what have to be the bluest eyes Lollita's ever seen.  Hypnotic, deep pools of
serenity and bliss.

The rodent swoons.  Ralph puts his shades back on, reaches under the rock and
locates some duct tape which he lays beside the hamster.  Back up on the
rock, he watches as one of the mutant acid-head yuppies pulls up, grabs
Lollita and the duct tape, and screams off into the late afternoon.

Ralph coolly adjusts his shades and rolls over onto his back to catch the
last remaining rays.  "Dumb slut, too, dating yuppies." And with that, he
falls fast asleep.

The Story of Ralph - Part 2