=======================  Ralph, our cool iguana, having met the torrid Lollita
º Ralph Visits Bloose º                    now becomes enamoured of certain things material, and
=======================  in his quest for the ultimate rock, attends a party.

We now travel to a place in the high desert behind an RV waste dump outside
Victimville California.  On top of one of the cleaner rocks sits our air cond-
itioned lizard Ralph, resplendent in his neon pink shades and baggy Hawaiian
shorts.  He casually scans the putrid effluent emerging from a nearby motor-
home and turns his head in disgust.  Soon, Mr. and Mrs. Effluent disappear into
the small grab 'n' go store while one of the local slaves hooks up the waste
pipe to a receptacle in the ground beside the vehicular carnage and flips a
lever underneath it.

Several yards away from Ralph and adjacent to the California Aqueduct, an
oozing brown mass starts to bubble to the surface of the ground.  Flies of
every shape and form start to amass around the growing puddle, hovering, and
finally landing in the slimy goo.  Suddenly,

------------------==================>>> zzZZZZAP!!

...crunch crunch crunch...gulp.  The local fly population decreases by one.

Ralph rolls over and nonchalantly brushes a few grains of sand from his belly
and reaches over for his lemonade.  Faintly, in the distance he hears the
sounds of what must be a completely nuclear party.  He turns his head in the
direction of Barstow (for the initiates, Barstow is very close to the edge of
the known universe and you can fall off if you're not careful).  He leans over
the rock and peers over his shades into the distance.

The flies, now sated, stumble and dive bomb into the aqueduct which has now
changed color from the RV sewage.  Ralph folds his beach umbrella and saunters
over to his tardis, eyeing the direction where the party noises emanate from.
He closes the door, inserts a quarter, dials 9-1-1.

Ggggrrriinnndddd....CRUNCH!  A large, red telephone box suddenly appears
obliquely protruding from the back wall of a house, hanging precariously over
a lit barbeque.

"@#%*!!" exclaims the frustrated lizard.  "Wrong bloody number."

Several scantily clad humans and other indeterminately clad life forms eagerly
run over to the wall where Ralph, hanging out of the tardis, is attempting to
move the barbeque with his umbrella.  A sheep wearing a black neglige (and
walking, no less) strolls up and shoves the barbeque from underneath the now
overheating lizard.  She looks blithely up at the dangling Ralph, winks and
in a most feminine manner, swivels her way back toward the pool.

A human smeared in green gelatin reaches up and helps the lizard down and
waving his hand toward the crowd, says "Bflstk grbl rd gdxtx!" and hands Ralph
an ice-cold beer.

Ralph deftly licks the jello from his scales.  "Thank you, pervert."

The human grins.  "Alg bfxcbr!"

A huge ficus plant draped with multicolored duct tape is swaying in time with
some of the strangest music Ralph has ever encountered.  He sucks down half of
the beer, adjusts his shades and heads for the poolside, ducking (and narrowly
missing) a floating sheltie dog carrying a tray of martinis.

"Yeah, this is Barstow", he mumbles.  Behind him, the wall, strained by the
the additional weight, releases the tardis to the concrete patio with a thud
and the sound of shattering glass.  A shrill voice subdues the sound of the
disintegrating tardis...

"Ralphie!  You're back!"

Ralph turns to see an overweight hamster with hairless thighs waddling across
the patio toward him, shreds of duct tape trailing it.

"Oh gawd, it's that rodent slut."  He tips the can back, drains it, and
belches loudly at the rodent approaching him.  Two miles away on a state
highway, a semi tractor-trailer rig plunges headlong into a crevasse suddenly
forming in the road.  There is, of course, no connection.

"You silly lizard.  As you can see, since you were out harassing the tourists
we decided to start without you.  I was wondering when you'd ever..."

An enormous explosion rocks the patio, now lit by a gigantic fireball ascending
over the back yard.

"Nkllobs plzzt afw klblemn!"

" up!  Well, I can see that the Bloose-juice is ready.  Be sure to
mingle, Ralphie!"

Ralph throws the can aside and swiftly catches another microseconds before it
impacts on his forehead.  He pops open the can and sits down at the edge of
the pool, his feet and tail in the water.

"Pardon me, but is your name Ralph?" a voice from behind interrupts Ralph's

"No.  My name's Elmo.  Ralph turned into a sandworm last year and is now God."

"Oh, I see.  Well, I simply must validate this account and it seems that you're
the only iguana here."

Ralph shrugs his shoulders thinking 'Oh crap, another one of those female
sysops'.  He turns around and looks up to see what he estimates to be a human
female, completely covered in leaves and lime jello.

"I thought Marsupial Tire Bolt did all that stuff."

The leaves shook in a most threatening manner.  "Look, lizard, are you him or
not?  Don't lie to me!  I happen to know a certain goddess who could probably
turn you into a small human child!!"

"Okay...don't have a tree...sheez.  Yeah, I'm Ralph.  Kiss me you fool."

"Thanks, sweetie.  I shaved my thighs, you know."  And with that, she turned
and walked off, her jello-laden feet making splatting sounds on the patio.

Ralph takes another pull at his beer and leans back.  The sun had started it's
daily nose-dive into the festering west, towards Los Angeles, where sewage
is cleaner than air.


The voice was unmistakable.  Sudden images of chandeliers, hot tubs and little
leather thingies coursed through Ralph's alien brain along with scenes of
Friday (Phridae) night orgies and explosions.  It was like an attack of brain
syphilis.  Ralph winced.

"Rxno Glibbznk!  Ldbblabl gnib frrr...WONKA!"

The weird human ran to the patio door and quickly covered the newcomer with

Yes, the illustrious 'BUD' had arrived along with several comatose humans
holding certificates and pictures of dead animals.

The crater from the previous explosion now held a glowing bluish liquid and
the attendant life forms were all pouring it into various and sundry contain-
ers as well as drinking it and becoming at once very disorderly and confused.
To Ralph, this was of course, quite normal for a party, and even more normal
for this group.  Having cooled his body temperature sufficiently, he got out
of the pool and lazily slithered into a lounge chair.


The Story of Ralph - Part 3